tenth.

saturday night i went to the olive garden with my husband. we had a 45-min wait and basketball was playing on the tv at the bar. we sat at the bar and watched until we were called. i never once felt like i was compromising my morals or that i was playing with the appearance of evil. our glasses of water looked only like glasses of water.

twenty-eighth.

when we have not yet reached intradependence we see criticism that we would not normally see if we were more dependent. when we reach intradependence and independence we are confident in who we are and what we stand for. we know of God's love and know that what he thinks of us (that we are great!) is all that matters. if peers look down on us and judge us that shouldn't matter if we have a strong knowledge of who we are and where we came from. however, i do not believe that being willing to attend work meetings in a setting where alcohol is involved makes me dependent. it does not mean that i am not confident enough in who i am to stand up for my principles and not attend the meeting. what being willing to attend the meeting implies is that i am confident in myself and my morals that i can attend the meeting and stand up to all those present and let them know that i do not consume alcohol--ever. not drinking, and still attending, shows my independence and my confidence.

in teaching this princples to james we recognize that neither of us are dependent. although we may have not reached the highest level of the maturity scale, we know who we are. although we are confident of our knowledge of the love God has for us, we know we must be aware and think of His love always. from time to time we do begin to judge ourselves, but we need to remember His mass amount of love for us.

twenty-sixth.

the principle that stood out most to me today in class was that of really listening 100% when someone else is talking. when brother adams made us reiterate what was said by the previous person before we could make a comment it engraved in me the importance of understanding. i felt that before i could speak i needed to know 100% what was said before i base my comments and opinions off of things that were not really said. in addition, it reminded me that we need to listen empathically always and not enter into selective listening.

in teaching these princples it reminds me again how important it is to not enter into selective listening. james and i want to work hard to thoroughly listen to one another before cutting the other off based on listening selectively.

twenty-third.

i reference a princple learned today to missionary work. just because a friend we share the gospel with does not convert while we are in high school, does not mean that later in life once he or she is married w/ kids cannot feel the spirit and receive the gospel. our contact w/ that person in high school peeled a layer and laid a foundation. the same is for communications. if we speak to someone w/ a problem and we don't uncover it during that conversation, we still peeled a layer from the onion.
also i realize that i really need to be careful when giving sympathy. sympathy is a form of evaluation. i am interested in learning a stronger guideline as to when to use sympathy and when not to.

teaching these principles reminds us of patience and the importance of expressing it.

twenty-first.

principles learned:
1. 2 nephi 6:20 - replace the word charity with communications and practice the scripture
2. be a mirror, not a sponge!
3. we attribute motives to other people and never question our own
4. once we think we know what the problem is, or we get to what we are after, we enter into selective listening

apply these princples:
everyday in class i learn something that i don't do well, that i always thought i did well. two principles that really stood out to me the most were attributing motives to other people and never questioning my own, and entering into selective listening when we get to the problem. i think i often question people motives like bro. adams said, and in questioning them i think of them as mostly negatives and selfish. in reality, if i actually stopped to think of my own motives i would see myself as selfish. i want to try and not judge other peoples motives before i settle my own and make my own reasonable and not so self centered. the second princple i want to remember is to not enter into selective listening when i have arrived at my peak. if i was listening intently before to find what the problem is, after discovering the problem i still want to listen empathically instead of entering selective listening.

report:
in teaching these princples to james we really want to focus on our own motives and what they are before judging the others.

fourteenth.

princple learned:
it is hard to respond in anger when someone is listening empathically!

apply this!
it's simple--listen to people empathically so they don't get angry w/ you! :)

report:
discussing this princple with james we couldn't come to a real hard opinion on whether we entirely agree or not just because we have never had people really listen to us empathically so it's hard to judge whether it is true or not. it is our goal to listen to one another empathically so we can decide if this will work.

twelfth.

princples learned:
1. we are born dependent on others. we need to work to obtain intradependence and then interdependence.
2. don't start with blame, start with, "what can i do to make the situation better?"
3. new qualifiers! sounds like..., it seems..., i'm guessing..., from my understanding..., what i'm getting..., etc.

apply these princples:
work on what i can do before i try to change what people are thinking or the way they are acting. always try to think what i can do to make the situation better.

teach: to james

report: again, we just want to be better and communicate better. w/ these princples learned we hope to be able to figure out what we as individuals can do to make the two of us better.

ninth.

princples learned:
1. fighting does not mean the relation is over. it is when the fighting stops that the relation is over.
2. the moment you start evaluating is the moment things start going wrong.
3. just because people aren't for us does not mean they are against us.

apply these princples:
be understanding! don't get defensive just because james isn't agreeing with me. he does hate me, he just has a different perspective than i do.

teach: to james

report:
james confirmed the fact that disagree doesn't mean he hates me (of course). we want to try to steer away from evaluation. we want to be able to be open enough that we don't have to make the other person evaluate because we'll be open from the start.

seventh.

princples learned:
1. we need to learn to understand what is going off in other people's minds when communicating with them
2. don't be defensive, redirect anger somewhere else

apply these princples:
do not direct my anger at people, and direct anger coming towards me elsewhere

teach:
to james

report:
we want to try to control our anger and in doing so when we are angry, we would like to learn to be able to project it somewhere else than at eachother

fifth.

report of an applied principle:
i am not close to my roommate, but we are civil and we talk casually about our days. she in particular is more open to talking about her daily routine and life than i am. i figure this is because i talk to my fiance about everything, so most everything is off my mind by the time i talk to her. in contrast, i believe she views me as someone to listen to her since she doesn't have many others to talk to--which i do not consider a bad thing. anyhow, the other day she was talking to me and i really felt like she was expressing her feelings on a certain subject--she was not crying or in rage, but i could tell by the tone of her voice she felt strongly about the subject. as i felt inclined to listen and give advice based on my experiences from my autobiography, i chose to try to listen empathically. i rephrased content back to her, and reflected the emotions i felt she was portraying.

i don't feel as though she came back and let out any more emotions or content then she had initially planned; however, she does not know i am taking an interpersonal communications class and she does not know i am learning how to listen empathically. so even if this experience didn't really affect her, it was practice for me. i appreciated the opportunity to practice. i feel hesitant practicing with my fiance because he knows what i am learning my class and i feel like he would take me being serious as i try to earnestly reflect back content and emotion. if i gain practice through other individuals listening empathically may become easier and more natural furthing me to be able to use it when listening to my fiance and he will feel of my sincerity.

second.

princples learned:
1. teach children why they are being punished instead of just punishing them/spanking them
2. don't let the children by the parents (obviously)

apply these principles:
when i am angry w/ someone let him/her know why isntead of keeping it "confidential"

teach: to james and josh

report:
josh (my brother-in-law) says that once his kids know the meaning of sasa (samoan word for 'spank') then there will be no trouble. however, both agree that teaching children why they are being punished instead of just punishing is a good idea. i won't have children for a few years, but i hope that when i do i can parent effectively.

thirty-first.

principles learned:

• empathic listening
• put away agenda
• trust is built
• qualifiers: seems/sounds like
• used when trust is low, emotions are high
• validates emotion
• get what you need in communication/relationships
  
  • you can have someone listen actively or empathically for you
• you can probe when trust is high
• sometimes when listening you only have to peel off some layers of the onion
  
  • someone else later will come by and be able to peel off even more until the core is exposed
• saying, “i know you’re busy—just go” is the speaker giving the listener an easy way out

apply these principles:
the main principle i took away from today’s class is that we can get what we need in communicating. we have it in our power to ask someone how we want them to respond and to listen. granted this won’t always work if the person you are communicating with does not have respect for you. however, if we have problems in communicating, it is in our power to find solutions. therefore, i want to try to ask someone i am speaking with to listen empathically.

teach: to james

report:
teaching james about the principle of being able to get what we need in relationships we took it upon ourselves to make the other aware when we are not receiving the things which we think we need. if the problem cannot be remedied, then we want to be open to being able to solve through other means (ie the example of the couple and birthday/anniversary presents)

twenty-ninth.

principles learned:
•gossip is disloyalty to the absent
•it is inconvenient to do most things that are worthwhile
•in the pride cycle, after blessings we have the chance to choose between pride and humility & repentance

apply these principles:
•if i really want to keep trust with those i come in contact with, i need never to gossip
•acknowledge that a task is inconvenient, but don’t let it stop me
•when i receive blessings i need to recognize that i have, and consciously choose to return to humility rather than pride

teach: to james

report:
as we receive blessings throughout our lives we want always to recognize that we have the choice to choose between humility and pride. of course, we hope to be humbled.


example of empathy:
a northern kentucky university view on empathy

twenty-sixth.

principles learned:
• if there is anything in a person that is lovely, praiseworthy, or of good report, let them know you recognize it!
• recognize the good in people—try to ignore the bad.

apply these principles:
• don’t be afraid to give compliments
• instead of even realizing the bad and trying to ignore it, try not to even recognize it. look so positively into people that all i am able to see is the goodness

teach: to james

report:
when i shared with james the idea of ignoring the bad in people and acknowledging the good, his response was that everyone doing so would result in an unrealistic world. he said if we ignore in the bad in people then we would trust those we shouldn't trust and that would cause more problems. i recognized then that we are not to completely ignore the bad in people, rather we should forgive them of their weaknesses and concentrate on their strengths, and turning their weaknesses into strengths.

twenty-fourth.

principles learned:

• 1. to achieve empathy
• a. rephrase content of what was said
• b. reflect back feeling
• c. not always are both needed to make empathy
• 2. people's motives for wanting to cheer us up
• a. others being upset make us feel uncomfortable in the situation
• b. will give example from autobiography to make everything happy again
• 3. difference between interpreting and evaluating
• a. interpreting is judging in reference to one's mental condition/behavior
• b. evaluating is judging whether one is right or wrong in a situation
  

apply these principles:

• 1. work on being an empathic listener
• 2. when someone i know is down, concentrate on not making them feel better only for my benefit
• 3. recognize the difference between when i am interpreting, and when i am evaluating

teach: to james

report:
together james and i realized that it is common knowledge that we try to make people feel better only because when feeling sad makes us feel uncomfortable. as much as it is our own motives to uplifting someone's attitudes, we rarely recognize that we are doing so just to help ourselves feel better. together we decided to try to concentrate on understanding and reflecting on eachothers feelings when either of us are feeling an emotion that the other does not relate to.

twenty-second.

principles learned:

• 1. know who you are
  • a. it's hard to listen to someone's anger with you if you are not comfortable with who you are
  • b. unconscious incompitance
• 2. empathic listening
  • when trust is low and risk/emotions are high
  • enemy of empathic listening is the agenda
• 3. two primary emotions
• a. love
• b. fear
  

personal application:

• 1. work on my own confidence, work on my own communication skills
• 2. use what i've learned on empathic listening when communicating (w/ my older siblings in particular)
• 3. recognize when i am expressing love or fear in my everyday emotions

who to teach: james

report:
upon teaching james these principles he reacted positively agreeing to the principles learned. he recognized that the day before he was using the fundamental principles of empathic listening when i was upset. after i taught him about empahtic listening, he thought we were done. i continued to talk as he turned his head the other way and closed his eyes. i brought to his knowledge what else we had learned that day. i asked him what he misses out on when he closes his eyes when i am speaking. he answered respectively, "facial expression and body language." he reluctantly opened his eyes because he knew it would make me happy. he referred back to empathic listening.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Success is Built on Inconvenience! by Gary Ryan Blair

I believe this article is relevant to the "Partner-Lawyer" case study we're role-playing in the way that getting to the point and understanding why my partner was absent is inconvenient. It is more convenient—for me—to get right to the point and find out what I should do to punish, or find peace, with why my partner, Brad, was not in the office. It is inconvenient to try to sincerely listen, understand, and reflect on what Brad is feeling. However, obviously, we would rather do what is convenient because it comes easier, but like this article states, success comes through inconvenience. I believe that together as a class we will learn how to communicate with Brad. It would be nice if Brad would just say why he didn’t come in to work, but we know that won’t happen. I will be inconvenienced as I have to practice my patience with learning how he is feeling, and not focusing on anything more.

nineteenth.

insight to today's class:

• 1. there are different levels of listening
• a. ignore
• b. pretend
• c. selective
• d. active
• e. empathetic
• 2. communication contamination
• a. when we listen we refer to our autobiography
• i. base what we hear on our past experiences
• 3. apologizing is a great thing for our eba
• 4. we have an emotional bank account

relevance to other areas:

as i learn these new concepts i cannot help but to think of my relationship with my fiance. when we are at a basketball game it is pointless for me to say anything to him unless it is half time. it is not that he is ignoring me, he doesn't even hear me. as for watching sports on tv, he definitely practices his pretending and selective listening skills. as for myself, i assume myself to be a great communicator just because i am not afraid or ashamed to apologize. however i obviously am not a great communicator b/c common sense tells me so, and because i know i often enter the state of communication contamination. i need to listen at the active level and not refer back to my autobiography and how i think a problem can be solved or a conversation ended.


personal application:

1. teach james that he is engaging only in the first 3 steps of the communication "listening stairs"
2. when i enter communications, try to stray away from my autobiography
3. when communicating with someone, i need to always strive to be at least at the "active" level

teach: to james

report:

seventeeth.

key principles we learned from today's class period:

• 1. we enter communications with our own agenda
• a. this makes it difficult to understand others
• 2. in communications we assume too much
• a. in the role play we assumed the attitudes of one another
• i.assumed each other are mad
• ii. Brad is covering up a problem
• iii. Brad is angry with Brandon/me
• 3. the significant problems we face cannot be solves in the same place we created them
• a. if we want to solve a problem we have to change our attitudes

applying these principles:

• 1. when i enter communication with one another, be open-minded
• a. don't assume what another is feeling

teaching these principles:
to james

report:

twelfth.

key principles learned from today's class period:

• 1. learning about other people, even indirectly, helps you to feel more comfortable with them
• a. knowing where someone is from, or the their major
• b. learning interesting facts gives you insight into their "hidden" life
• i. simply deeper insight to see beneath their skin
• c. talking alone lets you experience verbal communication
  

applying these principles:

• 1. talk to more people always!
• a. in class
• b. at the store just say hi
• c. in the store don't be afraid to ask employees questions
• 2. if you are not comfortable with someone and don't know him/her, talk to get to know him/her!
  

teaching these principles:
to sophie

report:

fifth.

about me:

• name: erin nyholm
  
• from: livermore, calif. (sf bay area)
  
• major: communications; information systems & graphic design cluster
  
• hobby: camping on the lake, water skiing, wakeboarding, kneeboarding, organizing, snowboarding, web page development, setting new goals
  
• specific accomplishment: becoming content with my life, realizing i am responsible for my own happiness
  
• specific goal: to visit all 50 states before i die
  
• expectations for class: to learn and apply it in my life
  
• unique fact: i completed the hunter's safety course at age 12, but i have never put the certification to use
  

key principles learned from today's class period:

• 1. there are multiple channels for communication
• a. body language
• b. hand motions
• c. telephone
• i. text
• ii. video
• d. internet (e-mail, blogs, instant messaging, etc.)

• 2. learning is my responsibility
• a. other students' domination can not keep me from learning
• b. participating by asking questions benefits me and other students
• c. an instructor's teaching style that runs perpendicular to my learning style is not a valid excuse as to why i am not learning
  
  
• 3. class does not have to be boring
• a. abstract exercisies help teach important principles through symbolism
• b. an instructor's enthusiasm helps keep students interest

applying these principles:

• 1. practice using channels of communication that i normally do not use
• 2. work the extra mile to make the instructor's teaching approach work w/ my learning style
• 3. eagerly participate in class exercises and discussions to make learning more interesting
• a. prepare ahead of time (class) to be able to participate

teaching these principles:
to james

report: